living in two worlds

“Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones.”
-Puddleglum in The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis*

So I’ve been in America for two weeks now, and it feels more like I’ve been here for months and months…or that I never left at all. In some ways, it almost feels like I press the “pause” button when I leave, and then just hit “play” again whenever I’m back. I mean, I know things have changed, and I know I have changed a ton over this year…but sometimes it feels like all that happened “over there” doesn’t even count in this world.

It’s hard, because I come back and I see things with different eyes and Bangkok remains on my heart every day…and yet all it takes is a little bit of “normal” and I find myself questioning everything all over again.

Did all that I experience over this year really happen?

Am I just crazy for believing, crazy for staying, crazy for choosing that life over this one?

It breaks my heart that things come at a cost, and I wish everyone could understand and experience all that God’s done — around me and inside of me. But the bottom line is, deep down, I know. Even if it looks strange or selfish or foolish, I know that God has called me to follow His heart. And I know that He is worthy of my trust and worthy of my life. And I know that, one day, when we all look back on this, there will be no regrets.

I know.

*The above quote is from The Chronicles of Narnia. This is part of Puddleglum’s defense to the Witch’s claims against Narnia and all they believe in. To see this quote in context, click here.

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